So far, I have no regrets. But should I ever find myself pining for my old job, I have the perfect antidote: My fan mail. Volumes of it. Years of it. A big, juicy reminder that there really are awful people in the world.
What Happened To Common Decency?
There was only one reason that CBS, MSNBC and The Miami Herald were so quick to throw the ghoulish videos out there with an insincere warning that viewers might find the content “disturbing.”
Money.
Yoga: I’m Just There For The Stretching
I once had an instructor tiptoe over to ask me to please refrain from drumming my fingers on the wood floor while everyone else was in a state of bliss.
"Sorry," I whispered back.
Korea’s Cruella De Vil Is Good At Her Job
When they weren’t having orgasms over the dictator’s sister and comparing her to Ivanka Trump, the press was heaping praise on the creepy 200-plus member Cheer-or-Die-Squad that has been performing carefully choreographed routines during the games.
Immigration Status Does Matter
It’s true that most drunken drivers in the United States are Americans. We’re stuck with these homegrown hairballs. But there’s no reason we should be dealing with repeat offenders who are here illegally.
Everyone Fears The O-Word
“Every contract is VERBAL,” he’d scream. “Verbal means it’s composed of words. From the Latin verbalis.
“Look it up,” he’d order.
It’s Christmas Day For College Football Fans
Serious college football fans know that the path to championships starts today. If your team doesn’t reel in its share of three-four-and five-star players you’ll be lucky to get a bid to the Depends Bowl in two years when these blue chippers are setting college football on fire.
Nope, That Is Not The IRS Calling
Yeah, right. The IRS has a satellite office in Calcutta now.
I Saw “The Post” And It Made Me Sad
Today’s weak-kneed newspaper execs are so terrified of lawsuits that a stern call from a two-bit lawyer in a rumpled suit sends them to their fainting couches.
No One Wants To Look Like A Badger In A Passport Photo
Truthfully, even as a teenager I wasn’t what anyone would call photogenic. In fact, in high school I sat for three sets of senior portraits before I got one that wasn’t too heinous for the yearbook.
I Want To Look Like A Realtor
When the blog bosses demanded a new portrait, I agreed. On one condition: They wouldn't toss me to the newspaper's photo department.
"I wanna go to the mall," I wailed. "To one of those glitzy studios."
Air Travel Is Awful And Getting Worse
Look, this therapy-dog-comfort-animal wackiness has gone too far. Seeing-eye dogs are one thing. Emotional support peacocks are something else.
Pit Bull Petition Is Too Late. I Already Quit.
Pit bulls may not bite more than other breeds, but they’re responsible for most of the deaths and near-fatal maulings in this country.
Virginia Beach: Too Cold For Comfort Or Tourists
The sad truth about Virginia Beach - and all of Tidewater - is that the months of January and February are dreary. Bleak beyond words. So are chunks of December and March. The sky and the water are the color of tin foil. The air is raw and damp. Sort of like Ireland, only chillier and without the warmth of the Irish to counteract the climate.
It’s Flu Season, Practice Good Hygiene. Even On Sundays.
It was all I could do not to stand up and scream: “What are y’all trying to do? Kill each other?”
Cher Mocks Sarah Sanders’ Clothes
What does Cher think the press secretary ought to wear to her job in the West Wing? Sequins, pasties and a thong?
Swearing A Sign Of Smarts? Oh, Hell Yes.
“The health benefits of swearing include increased circulation, elevated endorphins, and an overall sense of calm, control, and well-being.” Psychology Today.
Panic Blamed On Password Problem
When Hawaii pushed out a ballistic missile alert earlier this month, Gov. David Ige knew within two minutes it was a false alarm. But he couldn't hop on Twitter and tell everybody - because he didn't know his password.
Definition Of Terror: Riding Shotgun With A 15-Year-Old
For those of you who have never taught a teenager to drive, words cannot convey the icy sensation that envelops you as trees, cars and pedestrians appear in the road and all you can do is slam your foot uselessly into the floor mat. And scream.