My heart would race every time my supermarket had one of those buy-two-get-three-free offers on cases of Diet Coke. I loved looking at all those silver boxes piled in my kitchen, knowing I wouldn’t run out of those beloved cans. For a couple of weeks anyway.
But if we’re honest, most of us will admit we don’t like people as much as we pretend we do. There is a glorious sense of relief that comes with no longer being forced to interact daily with the office idiot.
Especially if the office idiot is your boss.
I recently asked my daughter if she’d seen the Facebook ads that pop up constantly in my feed. The ones for a magical gloss that erases lip lines and gives women plump, juicy kissers.
She said no.
If your kid is considering a career in journalism you need to talk them out of it. Unless there's a trust fund, that is.
Perhaps you heard. Environmentalists want us to switch from toilet paper to swatches of fabric. Just like they used in the 18th century! This is progress, environmentalist-style.
You want to prevent this from happening again, United? Here's a thought: Don't cram pets into airless overhead bins to suffocate.
There. Problem solved.
People who don’t like to drive will never understand that delicious feeling of slipping behind the wheel of a peppy car that begs you to step on the accelerator and ignore the speedometer. A car that hugs the corners and purrs when you hit 80.
Truth is, part of the fun of filling out brackets - for the chronically law-abiding - is knowing that it’s a little bit illegal.
Kids like me - short and skinny - were always picked last for any team. When we whined about it, our parents were unsympathetic, saying something like, “You’re a shrimp. Deal with it.”
Is there anything more annoying than people who don’t know the difference between “less” and “fewer”? No, there isn’t. Glad we agree on this.
Look, I get it. With all the worry about skin cancer, no parent tries for a deep toddler tan.
Shoot, might as well sell the kids cigarettes.
Knock a year off a kid's age at a movie theater, and you've taught your child that dishonesty is excusable if it saves you a few bucks.
It’s audacious and mean-spirited to mock Americans who don’t share your political views and then expect them to buy tickets to your movies.
I would have swallowed my distaste and happily ordered a few boxes from a fat guy in a stained tie this year..
We've all had to say goodbye to a loyal pooch. Ordinary people cry and then bury their mutts in the backyard. Eventually they get a new one.
I’ve been scouring family photo albums looking for a presentable ancestor from a multitude of jug-eared Irish peasants. Just one.
I’ve been observing supermarket hysteria for years and still cannot understand why people lose their minds when one chain closes or a new one arrives.
One day you’re happy with the state of your hair. The next day you realize you’re sporting the exact same 'do as the octogenarian you saw pushing a walker through the supermarket.
The Bloviating Sheriff of Broward - who should be sacked immediately - is now denying reports from CNN, NBC and other outlets that there were three other deputies on the scene who also stood by and didn’t try to engage the shooter.
