Academy Awards: Karl Marx and Swag Bags

Honestly. The things I do for you. For instance, I spent last night doing something I haven’t done in years: I watched the Academy Awards. Three long hours.

I did it so you wouldn’t have to.

You’re welcome.

Here’s the thing: The awards weren’t as obnoxious as I remember. The show was terrible, all right. But not for the usual reasons. Sunday’s awardsfest wasn’t endlessly political. Just endless.

Without a host, the show is boring and doesn’t hang together.

The highlight of the night was watching a documentary filmmaker collect an Oscar - in an outfit that may have cost more than most Americans make in a year - while she quoted Karl Marx on her way to grab her $225,000 swag bag.

Ah, Hollywood.

And they wonder why the ratings for this self-congratulatory orgy plummet year after year.

It’s amusing to watch unimaginably rich celebrities smugly hector Americans on climate change and politics while dressed in $10 million ensembles and rolling around town in limos.

Not exaggerating the opulence, either. According to the listmaker, Wallethub, the average frock for an A-lister actress at the Oscars is a staggering $10 million. Borrowed finery, of course. Especially the jewels.

The most expensive outfit of all time? Cate Blanchett’s in 2014. It cost $18 million.

I’m old enough to remember when it seemed everyone in America tuned in to watch what was a once-a-year-three-hour variety show. The Oscars were usually hosted by a comedian who might gently tweak the stars, but never insulted the people watching at home.

Politics were taboo.

Until 1973, that is, when Marlon Brando decided to spoil the festivities by sending Sacheen Littlefeather to decline his award for Best Actor in the Godfather because he was protesting something involving Native Americans.

Brando later said he regretted it.

Last night’s awards weren’t dripping in liberal politics as they have been in the past. Probably because Korean director Bong Joon-Ho wore a path from his seat to the stage and expressed nothing but gratitude for the awards showered on his movie, “Parasite.”

It didn’t take long for America’s lefties to mouth off, though. About a minute into the show, to be exact.

First award of the night went to Brad Pitt for Best Supporting Actor.

He opened with a crack about how he only had 45 seconds.

“That’s 45 seconds more than the Senate gave John Bolton this week,” he said, before blabbering on about how he hoped “adults” would do the right thing.

When did the left begin to idolize John Bolton? I thought he was a neo-con? This is so confusing.

Some chubby guy introducing the song from Frozen II took a swipe at “climate deniers.”

And Julia Reichert, who won an Oscar for a documentary called “American Factory,” spouted nonsense during her speech, saying: “Working people have it harder and harder these days.”

Someone tell this woman that the latest economic news contradicts this. Not only were 291,000 jobs created last month, but wages were up 3.2 percent. Average hourly earnings rose 3.1% from the same month last year, better than the 2.9% year-over-year increase in December.

Wage growth has continued to outpace inflation. That seems like good news for “working people.”

It gets better. Reichert ended her little diatribe by quoting Karl Marx: “We believe that things will get better when workers of the world unite.”

Yeah, Marxism has worked so well everywhere it’s been tried. Nevertheless, her Marxist remark drew thunderous applause from the clueless millionaires.

There was a surprise appearance by Eminem who performed his hit “Lose Yourself,” which won an Oscar in 2003.

Chunks of the song were bleeped, due to the raunchy language. That’s OK, Eminem got a standing O from the audience anyway.

Identity politics were everywhere. Numerous references were made to women and minorities being underrepresented in the nominations. And when presenters Sigourney Weaver, Gal Gadot and Brie Larson were on stage together one of them declared that “all women are superheroes.”

No, they’re not.

On Friday, a Norfolk woman was sentenced to 30 years in prison for helping to kill her 11-year-old daughter who had cerebral palsy. Is she a superhero?

What makes these blockheads say such insipid things?

Joaquin Phoenix won for Best Actor and delivered a rambling, barely coherent speech that included some sort of condemnation of keeping dairy cows and putting their milk in our coffee and cereal.

It was less an acceptance speech and more a cry for help.

Still, several of the winners were gracious. Laura Dern, who won for Best Supporting Actress, gave a sweet and touching speech thanking her parents. Renee Zellwegger, Best Actress, also managed to accept her award without lecturing the audience.

Jane Fonda was the final presenter. She clearly was itching to say more than was on the teleprompter. Fonda managed to work in something about “raising awareness,” and at the very end of the show was waving her skinny clenched fists in the air.

Aren’t you glad you missed it?

Maybe the Marxist will give her $78,000 cruise and $20,000 facial rejuvenation to “working people”.