Royal Pains
So what'll it be today?
America’s half-day war with Iran? Or Harry and Meghan’s rift with the royal family?
Right then, Harry and Megs it is.
These two woke eco warriors - who zip around the world on private Cessnas and lecture the little people about using public transportation - announced Wednesday that they’re going to “step back” from the royal family.
It was front page news all over the world and some in the British press quickly dubbed this “Megxit.”
“Queen’s Fury At Megxit,” screamed the front page of the Daily Mail.
“Harry and Meghan Quit Roles Amid Palace Split,” blared The Times of London.
“Harry and Meghan Quit The Firm…Without Consulting The Queen,” from The Daily Telegraph.
One thing’s certain, the writers for “The Crown” are busy, incorporating this latest royal scandal into future episodes of the hugely popular Netflix series. Who’ll play Harry? Who’ll play Meghan?
Shoot, Meg’s an actress. Perhaps she’ll play herself.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex made their announcement the way all good millennials trumpet major life decisions: On Instagram.
The BBC reports that Harry and Meghan didn’t discuss their decision with the rest of the family. The House of Windsor found out the Sussexes were splitting the same way we commoners did. On the news.
In response, Buckingham Palace was said to be “disappointed” and issued a terse statement.
"Discussions with The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are at an early stage," the palace said. "We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through."
Are these two trying to kill the queen? Harry’s granny is 93. She just had to sack one son for his role in a pedophile scandal while trying desperately to outlive another son, Prince Charles, to keep him off the throne.
Now this.
Ever since British taxpayers threw Harry and Meghan a $3 million wedding in 2018, these two have pouted their way through their royal duties and feuded with Will and Kate. After a tour of Africa recently, they were featured in a TV documentary called “Harry and Meghan: An African Journey,” where the American duchess complained that having a baby in the public eye was HARD.
At one point, an emotional Meghan looked at the camera and whined: “Not many people have asked if I’m OK. But it’s a very real thing to be going through behind the scenes.”
Sorry, Sweetie, but how difficult can life be when you have nannies, chauffeurs, cooks, maids, laundresses and someone to squeeze your toothpaste onto your toothbrush?
It’s a lot to ask the subjects underwriting that lifestyle to pity you.
Just last year, when the couple wanted to decamp to a location away from the rest of the fam, British taxpayers coughed up about $3 million to renovate Frogmore Cottage for them on the grounds of Windsor Castle. “Cottage” is a bit misleading. This is a 10-bedroom mansion with two conservatories, a yoga studio with a floating floor and a double staircase that’s been compared to the entranceway in Tara - before the Yankees got there - in “Gone With The Wind.”
Now the Sussexes may only spend a few months a year at Frogmore, as they move part-time to North America.
How long will the British public put up with this? After all, taxpayers pour about $87 million a year into the so-called Sovereign Fund to support the royals and their opulent lifestyle. The royal family, with its extensive real estate holdings and jewels, is worth an estimated $88 billion.
Yet the red-headed sixth-in-line to the throne is peeved that the paparazzi pursues him and his photogenic wife wherever they go. On top of that, Meghan moans that the life of a duchess isn’t all she hoped it would be, hence, the possible move to Canada.
Like many newlyweds, Harry and Meghan say they want to strike out on their own and become financially independent. Imagine the money they can haul in with book deals, speaking fees and product endorsements based on their royal brand.
The Daily Mail is reporting that in the past several weeks the spoiled royals have “trademarked their Sussex royal brand on more than 100 items…footwear, headgear, coats, jackets and even pajamas.”
According to various news sources, Harry’s already worth between $25 and $40 million dollars. And ever since the duke turned 21 he’s reportedly received an annual stipend of $450,000 a year from his mother’s trust.
I think these two kids will be all right, financially. They won’t have to drive school buses to make extra money.
Besides, they’re keeping their royal titles and their sprawling English cottage. For now, anyway.
At times like these, one of the best parts of being an American is knowing that we fought a war so we wouldn’t have to pay for the British monarchy’s never-ending soap opera.
