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 March Madness: Vasectomy Season

March Madness: Vasectomy Season

So what’ll it be today? Do we keep griping about Jussie Smollett and the fact that the Cook County prosecutor now says the actor’s criminal case file was sealed “by accident”? Do we weep about the avalanche of tax increases that are about to bury Virginia Beach citizens? Do we gloat about CNN and MSNBC ratings taking a dive now that the Russia collusion story has fizzled?

Or do we talk testicles?

Right then, testicles it is.

A good friend of mine - we’ll just call him Dave - sent me a link the other day to an amusing news story that claimed doctors have noticed a peculiar phenonenom every year during March Madness.

“Great story in the P and C  (Charleston Post and Courier) today,” Dave wrote. “How docs note a big uptick in vasectomies this time of year. Guys who are going to get snipped anyhow decide to do it now, and spend four days on the couch with an ice pack on their balls bingeing on the tournament. LMAO.”

(Sorry about the vulgarities. Newspaper people have awful mouths. I’m worse than he is. It’s one of many reasons people like us should never run for office.)

I thought the vasectomy story was just another silly, ginned-up news filler in the walkup to March Madness, but it turns out that many urologists around the country really do see a 30 to 50 percent increase in the number of procedures scheduled for the basketball tournament. Some infertile wannabes book their dates in the summer so they’re sure to be ensconced on the couch for those exciting early rounds. 

A similar stampede to get snipped happens in April during the Masters. Why waste a few days of doctor-ordered, guilt-free TV watching when there’s nothing to watch but Hallmark movies?

According to the story, some Buffalo Wild Wings locations are offering a “jewel stool” with a chilled seat for guys who want to escape their living rooms while keeping their surgical sites refrigerated.

Stool sitting sounds like a very bad post-surgical idea. But what do I know?

“March Madness has become vasectomy season for male sports fans,” declared reporter Derek Asberry in the Charleston paper.

It must be true because the March vasectomy epidemic has also been reported in scores of newspapers.

Dr. Marc Richman, a McLean urologist, told The Washington Post that his practice definitely sees a snipping spike in March. His patients aren’t shy about their timing. 

“I’ve had patients show up wearing a Duke shirt not knowing where I’ve trained,” Richman, a devoted Tar Heels fan, said. “I laugh and tell them, ‘I can’t believe you wore that while I’m holding a sharp object next to your testicles.’”

The procedure takes only about 15 minutes and most men go home in under an hour. They’re told to take it easy, ice the, uh, affected area and feel free to drink beer as long as they aren’t taking opioids for pain. And the pain is mild. Tylenol usually eradicates it. 

Clearly it is nothing like childbirth.

While we’re on the subject of March Madness, can we talk about something that really will hurt? Virginia fans will tune in to watch UVA and Oregon play at 10 tonight. OK, 9:59. Tech also has an inexcusably late game against Duke at 9:39 Friday night.

Those are ungodly hours for folks who are not nursing the nether regions and have to get up in the morning.

Look, this is the East Division of the tournament. Games are being played in Louisville. Tip-off times should be geared to those in the eastern and central times zones. Not Pacific.

The heck with the Oregon fans. Even the ones with ice packs.

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