No, Your Christmas Tree Won't Kill You.

Christmas trees.

Beloved symbols of the Yuletide season? Or decorated death traps?

Depends on whether or not you pay attention to the news. Looks like the folks who took the fun out of Halloween and the flavor out of Thanksgiving are now taking aim at Christmas.

Yep, the safety-goggle and pocket-protector crowd is coming. Quick. Hide your Tannenbaum.

These seasonal spoilsports seem determined to turn every holiday tradition into a danger that requires either stern government warnings or regulations. They started with the Fourth of July. (OK, they were right about backyard fireworks.)

Emboldened by their success with sparkler bans, the Angst Army moved on to other holidays. They panicked parents with exaggerated accounts of tainted Halloween candy and ruined trick-or-treating for millions of kids. Then they convinced American cooks to leave the stuffing out of the turkey, thus removing the most delicious dish from Thanksgiving tables.

Now they're coming for our trees.

"Firefighters Warn of the Dangers of Christmas Trees,” according to a recent segment on NBC. And there was this headline a while back from Newsday: “Group Targets Christmas Trees as Fire Hazards."

The group in question? The U.S. Fire Administration. Part of FEMA.

Which raises the question, doesn't FEMA have more important things to worry about than the spontaneous combustion of Christmas trees?

According to the agency, about 200 Christmas trees catch fire every year and about six people die in the conflagrations.

I don't mean to minimize six deaths. One is too many. But in a nation of 300 million people, where about 33 million households have Christmas trees, these numbers don't indicate a major public safety problem. Or a minor one.

Fact is, more Americans die from both lightning strikes and taking selfies than are killed by their Christmas trees. And beds, bathtubs and television sets are far more deadly.

According to my exhaustive internet research - I spent nearly 15 minutes on it - about 450 people die every year after falling out of bed, 41 are killed when TV sets fall on them, 335 drown in bathtubs and a 24 are killed every year by champagne corks.

Yet only about six will die in Christmas tree fires. That means most of us are perfectly capable of keeping a tree in our house, laden with lights and ornaments, without killing ourselves or incinerating our homes.

Several factors contribute to this admirable safety record. The advent of cheap Christmas lights from China caused us to stop putting real candles on dry branches. Plus, these cheesy strands of imported lights don't last long enough for the wires to fray.

We water our trees and don't leave the lights blazing all night.

So, what do you say we all gather around the tree today to sing a few carols in celebration?

Go ahead and put on your flame-retardant Christmas sweater, if you must.

A version of this story appeared in The Virginian-Pilot on Dec. 21, 2008.